It begins today…

There were a number of signs. I moved them from my peripheral view and chose not to stop and read them.

The biggest one was my face. I looked at a group shot and saw my father in drag. Except it wasn’t my father, it was me. “I don’t mind getting older I just wish my face didn’t have to spread.” A girlfriend looked me in the eye and smiled. She said no words, but they were there. I imagine those words stood at the front door of her mouth for a moment, wondering whether it was safe to knock. Wisely they decided not to, they turned around and left. No need to bother her today.

Then it was the dryer. It kept shrinking my clothes. I cursed not having a clothes line. I whined about the desert sand that covered every crevice of our backyard. I’d buy a pair of linen trousers and slowly over time they’d shrink down. Bloody dryer.

And then it was the boot makers. Shop after shop, boot after boot, I couldn’t get them over my calves. “Do you have boots for people with big calves?” I’d ask the staff. I was sitting in the shoe store waiting while the assistant searched out the back for a fat calf offering. “I have the opposite problem” a woman the size of hb pencil said as we sat side by side, her praying mantis legs were swimming in this seasons knee-high fashions. 

It came like a punch in the face. An epiphany with the sting of a scorpion. A photo that I hadn’t been able to delete both from my mind and my camera simultaneously before I had time to think about it. A shot taken by someone else. For a second I wondered if it was actually me. The tops of my arms looked like legs of ham. I would have been upset about the state of my chin if I could have pinned it down to one chin. There was so many. And my bottom, oh my bottom. Twice the size of the person next to me. 

Smack! My head launched backwards. My eyes widened. The revelation came with a thump. 

Holy shit?! My pants are too tight and my boots don’t fit and my face is fat because… shit. SHIT!

 I’m really fat. 

If there is an opposing illness to body dysmorphic disorder. I have it. While an anorexic may look in the mirror and see a fat person, I’m doing the opposite. That’s not too bad I say to myself. I’ll cover a thigh, find a bigger shirt. I’ll just cover that bit up, no-one will notice. While shopping I’ll take clothes into changing rooms only to be shocked to discover they’re too small. Shocked. It must be the brand. It can’t be me.

So. What to do?

Three months ago I had my last cigarette. I think one of the things that has kept me from indulging in a sneaky ciggy with a friend has been my public declaration that I was done with smoking. I need to do the same with my lifestyle. I need to get honest about this.

I’m not in a good way at the moment. I don’t drink enough water. I don’t move enough. I spend too much time online. I can polish of a bottle of champagne and plate of stinky cheese in a Thursday night telly marathon before Don Draper’s even picked up his first scotch. I eat whatever I want whenever I want, which is fine if you move a lot, but I don’t move at all. I currently weigh more than I did when I was nine months pregnant. Yep. That’s not good. Nobody wants that.

I don’t care for skinny and thin, it’s not where I want to be. But I want my face back. Less chins, less bloat. I want fresh eyes, deep breaths and a feeling of energy. I want a spring in my step.  It’s hard to have a spring in your step when the tops of your thighs are slapping together as you make your way from the pool to the deck chair. 

Anyone else keen? I have an idea, and it begins now.

 

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3 thoughts on “It begins today…

  1. I’ve commented on your 4 kids, 20 suitcases and a beagle blog a few times. I’m a huge fan and really enjoy your writing. This post hit me super hard. I have felt in a “bad way” for a long long time. I have a mirror in my bathroom and a mirror on an antique dresser in my bedroom that is usually not visible as there are piles of books and clothing infront of it. My point is, I rarely look at my full body. Recently my family went away and we stayed in a lovely hotel and I caught site of myself in the full length bathroom mirror as I exited the shower and nearly screamed in horror. What I had been imagining my body to be is absolutely not what it is! It seems I am completely disconnected to what reality is. I couldn’t have been more horrified. Somehow over the last 3 or so years, I have packed on the pounds and it’s depressing and awful. Like you, I don’t care for skinny or thin but what I do want is healthy and happy. I know I have no desire to been seen in a bathing suit at the beach and summer is fast approaching. I want to run and play with my 9 and 7 year old but I need work to get in good enough shape to last longer than half an hour. I too am also heavier than I was 9 months pregnant. Eat less move more. I need to work hard. I get it but apparently saying it and doing it are two very different things. I think I’m afraid of hard it’s going to be but I need to change this madness. I’m going to follow this blog and check up on your progress. Thank you for this post and the others that will follow. I appreciate it so very much. xx Jen

  2. I am exactly in your situation, and started recently to think that I had enough of this. I do not need any imbalanced diet – I know exactly that I do not have to eat that much. I am being lazy for at least 8 months, and I am now going to change this. I started cardio as well as a few classes a week of gym – I guess after a while it will be easier – and I might start to like it better. Being in Brazil helps me, because it is a country with a body culture that I have never seen anywhere else.
    Thank you for sharing what you are doing and how successful you are! Keep it up!

  3. I love your blog, thank you for (inadvertantly) brightening my day! I am also a member of the ‘what the hell have I done to myself’ club. I have a very fit husband who I have recently been lying to about what and how much I eat when he’s not around. I’m heading back to the UK around new year and desperate to get some motivation to drop the doha doughnut! so I avoid the ‘you’re looking well’ comments which everyone dreads.

    I have agreed tonight to run/walk for 2 hours with said action-man husband. I am trying to think of every excuse under the sun to get out of it…but I think your post may have swung the balance the other way. Time to man up and get on with it I guess.

    Keep the posts coming and thank you for sharing!
    V

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